Fade Away

       It has been 4 weeks of me living without you. And at this point of time, I feel weird because I feel nothing at all about your death. Not a sadness, not a bit of loneliness, just fine and the same feeling I had when you were still around.

       I felt guilty. It is me indeed who caused your death.
     
       Seems like my love for you had far gone away from me, and I cannot feel it anymore. NUMB. That is the word that describe me now. I should be grieving right now, but why did I not? Didn't I love you anymore? Or is it that I had never loved you?
     
       One thing I know for sure, you made me who I am now. You saved me from all the hatred inside me. It's like no matter how huge the rage inside me is, I settled down pretty well just by looking at you.

       Making you bored because I was busy with my own things. Stroking the other dogs because I just feel like to. Scolding you. Always putting your harness on when walking you. Left you for weeks to go overseas and brought no treats for you. And on that night.. I was just definitely being the most careless, irresponsible owner. I made mistakes, you know. But I loved you. And I hope I always will.


      Stroking you. Having you along in car rides. Walking with you. You waking me up each morning. Pulling up the blanket for you. Having you sitting by my side when I have to eat late dinner alone. I just  understood how comforting it was to always have you by my side. Regret? Probably, for I should have treated you better. Does not mean that I did not treat you well. I put on some effort then..


      Now that I could never have you back, I just want you to know that during your life, I loved you very much. And not a single day after your departure did I pass without praying for you, my little friend, roommate, baby, my everything.. May you be happy in heaven up there with Mini. Thank you for all the memories we had, Mino.