Living with a Killer

Our dog whom we took as our family was killed by my neighbour's dog, who was walked by his owner. The killer dog's owner, who should be separating his dog from my precious one, was nothing more than a moron standing there.

My heart broke. My dog, Mino, is a family to me. He enjoyed car rides like small children and had been loyally accompanying me. He was there when we lost our other dog, Mini years ago. I don't know how he felt for the loss of Mini, his wife. But he seemed to be able to get over it as not to worry us.

Back to the killer dog. It has killed 3 dogs in total, and a cat. That's of those I heard and experienced. Yes, excluding the ones I never heard of. We think their family was completely, sorry for this, bastards. Not a word of apology came from the old man's mouth. He almost hit my dad with the dog's chain when my dad is wrestling with his dog. By just looking at his face, I could almost gather all the hatred inside me and get enough energy to kill him. By 'him' I mean the owner, because the dog is just a dog. Who would be having a German Shepherd in a residential in which the security goes well, IF (S)HE IS NOT OUT OF MIND? But my hatred went to both of them, who were still walking around at the nights, and even during the day.

Well, how are we supposed to feel, if we saw the murderer of our loved one, like almost everyday?

We were so upset. My parents tried to contact the management of our residential, but to no avail. It always goes like this: They agreed to bring the dog out of the neighbourhood, but at the very end changed their minds. BRIBED, I would say, as the in-laws of the old man are rather rich.

It was just insane how calmly a man can live after taking lives of other people's loved ones.

I can simply buy an airsoft gun and shoot the dog. But I don't want to commit more sins. And besides, it's the family who I want to see down, suffering.

When I seemed to be out of my mind, I found myself in the middle of the karaoke room, having fun with my family. I felt so blessed. Of course I still miss Mino. Then I took a while to consider, that family there, that family who shows no mercy, the old man who never put a smile, they probably had never felt this way. Maybe in their entire life they had never experience this kind of happiness. The world must have been very cold to them. I never saw them having any reunion or gathering. So when the neighbours tried to get their dog out of the neighbourhood, they found it as a threat...

I felt much better. The hatred inside me slowly decrease. So does the rage.

That Little Girl

       There was a little girl selling newspapers in my neighbourhood. I would meet her twice in a day. Before I went for work. And after. A sweet smile would always linger on her face. I wondered, most of the time, how could she keep such a smile when the world seemed so cruel? Well, probably she has a nice family in her home, or she had made a lot of friends. Yeah, things I did not, and maybe could never have.

       I caught a glimpse of her this morning, she smiled towards me. Like a magnet, I feel like I was attracted to the small girl, so I purchased a newspaper when I am close enough. I realized I was late for work, so I grabbed the paper and dashed across the road. "Miss! Miss!" the girl shouted, so I looked back. "You forgot your change.." she continued. I made a wave to tell her to keep the change, then this smile of excitement was casted at her face. 

       I felt so euphoric. It was like a great feeling I had not felt for years. 

       I was lonely, true to that. I lived alone in a 500-square-feet apartment, worked in a huge company, and going to be promoted as a Manager soon. I should be happy. Like that girl. Or happier. But why am I not?

       It was a usual day at work. I talked very less, as my colleagues all known me as a very hardworking and they claimed I am truly different from them. Well... I could not blame them though.

      As I walked home, it rained so heavily. I took out my umbrella and walked carefully with an increasing speed. I could not see what is in front of me clearly and accidentally bumped into a tiny figure-- that newspaper girl. "I.. I'm so sorry!" I gasped. I held out my hand and pulled her up. "Why not you stop over my house?" I offered. "But miss..." she hesitated, so I casted a smile and pulled her arms.

       When I arrived at my apartment, I gave her a towel, and a nice piece of clothing from my childhood. After we changed, we sat on the dining table. "Have some hot tea" I said, and she took a sip cheerfully. "Do you live by yourself?" questioned the curious young girl. I can tell from her look that she was around 12 years old. "Yes, I do.." I grumbled, teardrops almost falling from my eyes. The surprised little girl quickly opened her mouth again as she noticed me crying. "I lived by my own too", she said, trying to soothe me down.

       "Really?" I was very amazed by her confession. "But how could you live each day so joyfully as if..." "Nothing has happened?" She finishes my sentence, now she sounded like an old woman. She made that smile again. "My last friend, Rusty the dog died a month ago. It really hurts me deep inside as he was the only one I always had. He was... everything to me." the girl tells me. "I'm very sorry about that" I said. Teardrops stopped falling from my eyes.

       The girl then continued again, "I don't know how your story goes, but no matter what people around us do, we would have to live this live to the fullest. God created us that way. And I do believe that our loved ones, still alive or dead, would want us to be happy too. Excuse me, Miss, to say this, but you have a lot of things that you can share with people who need it. Why don't you do so?" The little girl winked at me as she said: "Sharing can give you unlimited excitement." 


       I felt so light inside my heart. It felt like all my burdens are gone, and I felt peaceful. 

Let Go

         I was in the midst of not knowing what to do on the rest of my days without you. These feelings of guilt, anger, and sadness had built up in me so well.

         As I walk down the stairs, I looked back, but unable to find you. I was waiting for someone to wake me up, but, you know, the one I expected to could not wake me up any more. My first few days without you is hard, even though I got over it pretty soon. It seems like I lost everything. I don't really have anyone to care for as much as I cared for you. And your death, it left me with even more unproductive days.

        And on that night, mom said something which really soothed me. We were talking about things regarding your death, and stuff like that. And she mentioned the saying from a pastor she heard in the radio earlier that morning. "Before we are gone from this world, we would have to 'finish' our job". Mom was referring to the 'psycho', I know. But out of a sudden I felt lighter in my heart. I am no longer sad. I feel like I can let you go sincerely. You died the way you had sinned. Well, that's my thought.

         Now you are in heaven I convinced myself. And I truly believe it. Now that you had no more sins.

Fade Away

       It has been 4 weeks of me living without you. And at this point of time, I feel weird because I feel nothing at all about your death. Not a sadness, not a bit of loneliness, just fine and the same feeling I had when you were still around.

       I felt guilty. It is me indeed who caused your death.
     
       Seems like my love for you had far gone away from me, and I cannot feel it anymore. NUMB. That is the word that describe me now. I should be grieving right now, but why did I not? Didn't I love you anymore? Or is it that I had never loved you?
     
       One thing I know for sure, you made me who I am now. You saved me from all the hatred inside me. It's like no matter how huge the rage inside me is, I settled down pretty well just by looking at you.

       Making you bored because I was busy with my own things. Stroking the other dogs because I just feel like to. Scolding you. Always putting your harness on when walking you. Left you for weeks to go overseas and brought no treats for you. And on that night.. I was just definitely being the most careless, irresponsible owner. I made mistakes, you know. But I loved you. And I hope I always will.


      Stroking you. Having you along in car rides. Walking with you. You waking me up each morning. Pulling up the blanket for you. Having you sitting by my side when I have to eat late dinner alone. I just  understood how comforting it was to always have you by my side. Regret? Probably, for I should have treated you better. Does not mean that I did not treat you well. I put on some effort then..


      Now that I could never have you back, I just want you to know that during your life, I loved you very much. And not a single day after your departure did I pass without praying for you, my little friend, roommate, baby, my everything.. May you be happy in heaven up there with Mini. Thank you for all the memories we had, Mino.